


Jagged

by Loveandcoffeeandothersimplicities



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Depression, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-24
Updated: 2018-02-27
Packaged: 2019-01-04 21:03:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12176553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loveandcoffeeandothersimplicities/pseuds/Loveandcoffeeandothersimplicities
Summary: Sharp. Unknowingly so. Depression had a way of leaving a person jagged. Snowbarry.





	1. Chapter 1

Caitlin hadn’t been feeling like herself for weeks. She didn’t know how to describe it but gone were the days of pencil skirts and hair curled. Now? Now, all she wore was jeans and sweaters; hair pulled up in messy buns. She hadn’t been happy. Not for a long time. She didn’t know what happened to the woman she once was but gone were the days she’d paint a smile on her face and say everything was fine when people asked her how she was doing. All she did was stare blankly at a person who was talking to her until they shifted around, clearly uncomfortable, before shaking their head and walking away. 

About two months ago, and at Cisco’s insistence, she finally broke down and agreed to go see a therapist. Just because she agreed to see one, did not mean she had to share every detail about her sad life with them. So mainly, she just went to make Cisco happy and would sit there, nodding her head numbly to what her therapist had to say to her, pretending to listen; and who would be the wiser? It wasn’t until someone approached her one day, did she truly take a step back to analyze just how off balance her life had become.

“Hey, Cait, can we talk?” Barry asked softly and she blinked up at him, trapped in her mind. She stared at him for a long moment, taking in the way he was looking at her so hopefully and who was she to rain on his parade? Just because she was sad, didn’t mean she had the right to make others sad. Sighing, she chewed on her lip for a moment before nodding her head.

“Alright,” she croaked, her voice hoarse from lack of use. She wondered how long it had been since she talked out loud and not just during the constant loop in her head. Barry studied her for a long moment before holding his arms open.

“May I?” Barry asked, always considerate. She nodded her head tiredly.

“Just don’t set my shirt on fire,” she replied warily and he laughed gently before scooping her into his arms. There were off in the next moment, the flash of electricity the only thing Caitlin picked up on. Soon, they were outside her apartment and she looked at him quizzically.

“Figured it’d be best to talk in a setting that you felt comfortable in,” Barry murmured and, suddenly, Caitlin felt fearful. What exactly did he want to talk to her about? Before she had a chance to ask, however, he jerked his head to the side, (she assumed that he was indicating he was leaving), flashed away and came back a minute later with two steaming cups of coffee from Jitters. She looked at them, then him, and he smiled softly.

“May as well make yourself as comfortable as possible; we’re going to be talking for a while,” he commented quietly and Caitlin sighed.

“Bar- “she started but he interrupted her with a quick shake of his head.

“Humor me for a bit, please,” he requested softly and she felt tears well up in her eyes as she nodded. Why she was crying now, she had no clue; however, she held her tears back as best she could, fearful that once the dam broke open, she’d be crying rivers for the next several days. He seemed to pick up on that fear because he placed his hand on the small of her back and rubbed it comfortingly.

“C’mon,” he jerked his head towards her door and, after pausing for a moment longer, she unlocked it and walked inside, him following suit. After she had gotten her door locked and they sat down on her couch, she played with her cup of coffee to prolong the moment until she had to look at him. He was patient, however, and just waited her out. Finally, she tore her eyes away from her cup and looked at him, licking her lips nervously.

“W-what did you want to talk about?” Caitlin asked softly, trying to ignore the sudden snakes that were squirming around in her stomach.

“You,” he replied seriously and she blinked, cause what?

“What about me?” Caitlin asked cautiously and watched as Barry sighed and ran a weary hand over his face.

“It’s just, you haven’t been acting like yourself for weeks, months actually. And I just want to know that you can talk to me about anything that’s bothering you,” Barry murmured and she looked down, finding her cup interesting once more. 

She froze when Barry placed his hand on her cheek and tilted her head back until they locked eyes.

“Please talk to me,” Barry implored quietly and she sucked in a wavering breath before nodding her head slightly.

“It’s just…I don’t feel like myself. Haven’t feel like myself in a long time,” she breathed out and Barry stared at her, studying her, she assumed. She felt vulnerable, on display for the world to see, and shifted some of her hair forward to act like a shield. Barry lifted his hand, hesitated for a moment, before eventually tucking her hair.

“Don’t hide from me,” he whispered and Caitlin’s heart clenched at how gently he was speaking to her.

“Do you want to explain a bit more about how you don’t feel like yourself?” Barry prompted softly when he realized Caitlin wasn’t going to divulge any more information. As if on cue, tears sprang in her eyes and she laughed humorlessly as Barry wordlessly handed her a tissue. She dabbed at her eyes fiercely but knew the tears couldn’t be helped; knew that they’d eventually come pouring out her.

She inhaled shakily as she nodded her head.

“My therapist says I’m depressed,” she muttered, shocked that she was willing to give out this information. She hadn’t even shared it with Cisco and he was her best friend. She watched as Barry hesitantly placed his hand on Caitlin’s knee; a steady reminder that he was there, anchoring her in place. It made the dam open further and the fissures inside her to crack more. She took a deep breathe before rushing everything out.

“But I don’t even know why that’s a possibility. I have a good life, good friends, I should be happy,” she despaired and Barry continued to rub her knee.

“These things can’t be helped sometimes, Cait,” he murmured and wasn’t that the truth. She looked at him, tears in her eyes.

He squeezed her knee before talking, looking as if he was weighing each word carefully.

“You haven’t had the easiest life; I’d be surprised if there weren’t any repercussions from what you’ve been through,” he murmured.

“You haven’t had an easy life either and look how well you’re doing,” she said quietly. 

He chuckled. “That’s because I had you guys help me to get through it. You shut yourself off when you’re overcome with heavy emotions.”

He had a point. Caitlin did tend to turn herself away from her friends when dealing with things internally. She sighed.

“I…I just want to be happy again,” she muttered and watched as he nodded his head.

“We’ll get you there, Cait, I promise,” he said firmly. She let a few more tears leak through as he wordlessly shifted them to where he was laying down on the couch with her pressed firmly against his chest. He didn’t seem to mind that her tears were soaking his shirt; he just held her, soothing her with gentle words. She closed her eyes, slipping away from consciousness; not feeling better by any means, but less weighed down then she had previously. That was good enough for her. 

Author’s note: Just an idea I had. Might turn it into something more than a oneshot; let me know if that sounds interesting! XOXO


	2. Chapter 2

Caitlin didn't know depression could feel this way. So heavy her bones ached from holding her up every day. She thought what had happened in her life that could've possibly made her sad. There was Zoom, but he was dead and her PTSD from living through that experience was manageable. Next. Killer Frost? Highly unlikely; the two women worked in sync with each other, had done so for a handful of months now. Moving on. Ronnie? Quite possibly. She still missed him tremendously. Still, she didn't think that was enough to cause her this heartbreaking sadness. So, that left her with her final option. She was just sad simply because she was. No reason behind it. It just came out of nowhere and took over her life.

She thought over Barry's words from the previous day. He said he was going to stay with her and help her get better again. Question was: did she want him to? The simple answer was no. The complex answer? Caitlin wasn't sure if she had enough energy to explain it to anyone, let alone herself. She had to try, though. It wasn't Barry's job to make sure she wasn't depressed. He may be a super hero; may be used to saving countless lives. However, hers' was not one he should have to over exert himself with. She needed to be able to save her own self.

Sighing, she got out of bed, and wrapped herself up in a sweater Ronnie had given to her sometime during their relationship. If she concentrated hard enough, she could still smell his scent; woodsy and vaguely like peppermint. It caused her a deep, aching pain to know that she'd never get to smell that scent in person again. She inhaled one more time, letting the smell filter through her nose, before making her way into the kitchen. The other thing about depression? It caused her to move at a snails' pace. Her feet were trying to move with energy, but even they lacked effort to do that.

When she finally, finally made it into her kitchen, she turned on the coffee pot to brew. The smell of the coffee wafted through her apartment, and she watched it filter through the pot tiredly. She glanced at her fireplace, where she had a stack of books waiting to be read. She meant to have read them over the course of a couple of months but, thanks to her never-ending sadness, she hadn't muster the energy to even pick one up, let alone start reading it. A couple of books were from Cisco; presents for birthdays or Christmas or just because. The two best friends never had any difficulty finding something the other would like. For Caitlin, it was books. And holiday flavored coffee.

As the coffee pot beeped, Caitlin redirected her attention back to the task at hand: pouring herself a cup. Her hands felt weighed down; locked in place. She could barely lift the damn pot without dropping it. Eventually, she got her cup poured and sighed at the exhaustion that simple action cost her. Everything made her tired these days. Waking up; doing day to day activities; even breathing caused a pain to flare up inside her heavy muscles. She simply didn't have the energy to do anything besides lay in bed.

However, Caitlin knew she couldn't avoid her life and job, no matter how much she wished she could. It was up to her to make sure the heroes at Star Labs were looked after. She was still Barry's doctor; she still had an obligation to make sure he was taking care of himself. She looked through her pantry for a moment as soon as that trail of thought ended. She knew she needed to eat something, anything. The alarming amount of weight she had lost in the past handful of weeks was even bothering her. But, the funny thing with depression was it either heightened your hunger or diminished it. There was no in between. For Caitlin, it was diminished. She simply didn't have the energy to eat.

Eventually, she got ready, pouring her coffee into her travel mug. After taking one last look at her appearance in the mirror, she decided she was passable for the day and left. As she drove to Star Labs, she made a mental list of everything she needed to do. Check Barry's vitals. Check Barry's latest results with his running. Make sure Cisco wasn't experiencing any unwanted side effects from his breaching ability. Discuss how Killer Frost would be out in the field with Barry and Cisco. That one caused her to come up a short. Was Killer Frost going to tell them Caitlin was still depressed? Did she even care? She wasn't sure. She just knew there was a possibility that she could tell them, if she so chose to.

As Star Labs loomed into view, Caitlin slowed down considerably, and began to inch her way towards the building. This happened every day she had to come into work since her depression had started. She wasn't sure if she wanted to be there; wasn't sure if she could be there, mentally. It was a taxing and tiring experience to simply do her day to day activities. Sighing, she parked her car and stared up at the building for a solid five minutes, wondering if she should back away now, while she had the chance. A light rap on her window jerked her back to the present moment and she blinked, looking around. Cisco was standing next to her car, smiling softly. She returned it as best she could but knew it came off as more of a grimace. She got out of the car.

"Morning," she said quietly, wrapping her sweater around her more tightly. Cisco studied her for a long moment before clearing his throat.

"I'm going to pretend like I don't see the bags clinging to your eyes or the fact that your clothes look three times to big for you," he said, folding his arms.

"Third times the charm," she said, laughing weakly.

He leveled her with a look. "Cute, Caitlin."

She shrugged a shoulder but didn't say anything. Instead, she chose to walk into their cortex, with him scrambling in after her. As soon as she made it inside, she immediately wished she was bundled back up in bed, underneath her covers. Every head turned towards her, and she shrunk inwards on herself. She had never liked being the center of attention and add into the mix her depression; well, it was a recipe of disaster. She tightened her sweater around her unconsciously before making her way to her desk and sat down.

She could still feel their eyes on her, but she kept her head down, fiddling around with her tablet. She didn't know what they wanted from her; couldn't force herself to care. She just simply took notes on the improvements of Barry's running, making a mental note to get his vitals sooner, rather than later. If she could leave work at all early today, that would only be earning her brownie points with herself.

About an hour after she was there, she beckoned Barry towards her. He came so willingly, and she wrapped the blood pressure cuff around his arm, taking his blood pressure. It was normal. Well, as normal as it would ever be for the super hero. She noted that on her tablet and then went about doing other tests. He passed with flying colors.

"You're free to go now," she murmured, pulling her stethoscope out of her ears and wrapping it around her neck. "Your blood pressure, blood, and heart all look and sound good."

Barry nodded, folded his arms across his chest, and leaned back against the wall. She didn't know what he wanted but didn't bother to ask; it was all she could do to put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward. She could feel Barry's eyes on hers' as she moved around, and finally, he stilled her when he placed his hand on her shoulder.

"How are you doing today, Caitlin?" Barry asked quietly, and she chuckled humorlessly.

"The same as when you asked me yesterday, at my apartment," she replied. He sighed.

"That's not reassuring," he muttered.

"I'm not here to reassure you about anything but your health," she said pointedly, moving away from him. He was anything if not stubborn and followed her.

"Well, have you managed to get something into your system besides coffee?" Barry asked.

"I wasn't aware what I put into my system was any of your concern," she snapped, then rubbed a weary hand over her face and exhaled slowly.

"Sorry," she muttered. "I haven't been sleeping well and didn't mean to snap."

He shrugged a shoulder, smiling. "Apology definitely not needed but accepted nonetheless."

That left her feeling a little better and she fell silent. She didn't know what she was supposed to say to him. She didn't know what she was supposed to say to any of them. She looked at her shoes for a moment, fiddling around with her hands.

"Does Frost need to be out in the field with you?" Caitlin eventually asked. Barry debated her question for a moment before nodding.

"It'd certainly be appreciated, but that won't be until later. We've got time to go grab a bite to eat before that happens," he replied, and she nodded. She wasn't going to argue with him, even if she didn't have an appetite. Not quite feeling the best, but a bit better than she had when she woke up, she followed him wordlessly out of the cortex, trying to work up the energy to wonder what the day would bring.

Author's note: So, I started this as a one shot several months back. Been toying with the idea of doing more with it. Not sure how I want this to progress but am curious to bring more to the table with it. And, Puzzle Pieces and Secrets Within have been updated as well. Also, prompts accepted in the comments of One shots and Abby + Me. Leave me any of you so wish to.


	3. Chapter 3

By the time Caitlin and Barry got to a little café that was in the heart of the city, her bones were starting to ache again. Taking a deep, painful inhale, she made her way into the café and up to the counter, looking at the menu. Deciding she'd just keep it simple, she order a coffee and sandwich, moving out of the way after she paid so Barry could place his order. After getting their food, they made their way to a booth in the middle of the room and sat down.

Taking a bite of her sandwich, Caitlin worked hard to conceal the grimace that wanted to stretch itself across her face: her food tasted like cardboard. She knew she needed to eat though; even she could tell how loose her skirt was. She chewed her food slowly, washing it down with a drink of coffee. She caught Barry studying her out of the corner of her eye. Not wishing to know what he was thinking about, she simply continued to eat, taking her time with the sandwich.

"How'd you sleep last night?" Barry asked a few moments later, and Caitlin sighed, before shrugging.

"I managed to get a few hours," she said quietly.

"That's not a lot," Barry replied lowly, and she chuckled.

"Better than what it's been lately," she replied. He looked at her, and she moved some hair forward, utilizing it as a curtain to shield herself from his prying eyes. She knew he had a fair point: she wasn't sleeping well. That didn't mean she had the energy to do anything about it. The funny thing about not sleeping well was it left you too exhausted to care. She took another sip of her coffee, hoping it'd help her wake up more effectively.

"Have you thought about anything that could be making you depressed?" Barry asked, and she sighed.

"Anything? Everything? Ronnie? D, all of the above?" Caitlin chuckled humorlessly, again wondering why it was so hard to put her finger on exactly why she was sad. She knew that she had a good life. Well, she amended mentally, as good as a life as anyone who had been held hostage a couple of times, experienced PTSD once or twice, and had lost her then fiancé, only for him to come back, marry her, and die for real.

"You know what happened to Ronnie was not your fault, right?" Barry asked quietly, and she blinked passed the sudden moisture that had gathered in her eyes as she fiddled with the lid of her coffee.

"He wanted to leave," she whispered, staring unseeingly at her sandwich. "Wanted to go somewhere, start over."

"He was a hero; died as one, too," Barry said softly.

"I should've left with him," she muttered. Barry shook his head.

"You know as well as I do that if he caught wind of the city being in trouble he would have come back," he murmured.

"Without a doubt," she replied, getting lost in the past. She took another bite of her sandwich to give herself something to do, not because it tasted less like cardboard or she was hungry. It sat in her stomach uncomfortably. She continued to feel Barry's eyes on her and wanted to ask what there was to look at her about, but she didn't have the damn energy. She didn't have the damn energy to do anything, so just continued sitting there, taking periodic bites out of her sandwich. By the time she had eaten three-fourths of it, she pushed it away from her. That would simply have to do. She washed down any remainder of the taste in her mouth with coffee.

"What do you need Killer Frost to do in the field with you?" Caitlin asked lowly, glancing around to make sure no one heard her. Barry looked at her for a moment longer before nodding his head.

"The usual: I need her to come out and fight the rogue meta humans with me," he replied.

"Isn't it funny how she used to be a rogue meta human and you all hated her? Now, she's suddenly buddy, buddy with everyone on the team," Caitlin mused.

"We never hated her," Barry supplied. "We just needed her to be on our side. And, we were concerned about you."

Caitlin rolled her eyes. "Stop being concerned about me, Barry."

"No," he replied simply, shaking his head stubbornly. She sighed but didn't per sue the topic. She knew the speedster was as stubborn as they came; always determined to do the right thing by his friends. His desire to save everyone used to be something Caitlin respected. Now that he was determined to save her? Not so much. It grated on her last nerve.

Eventually, they got up and threw away their trash, before leaving the little café. They decided to walk back to Star Labs, instead of Barry flashing them there, something that left Caitlin utterly relieved. She didn't quite appreciate when she had to worry about her clothes catching on fire from his speed. She folded her arms, tucking in on herself, as they walked; Barry shoved his hands into his pockets. It seemed like he was casting around for a topic to talk about.

"How's your mom?" Barry asked eventually, and Caitlin thought about it. While she and Jane Snow still had a long way to go, they had made vast improvement. Especially since Killer Frost came to the right side. Caitlin nodded her a head a little.

"She's good. Doing well at her job and attempting to be a decent mother," she replied with a shrug. Barry smiled.

"That's good," he said.

"As good as it's going to get," she agreed. They fell silent then, and Caitlin found herself in her constant spiral of depression. She was going down, down, down. She didn't know which way was up, or which way was down. All she knew was she was sinking further and further into the traitorous trenches of depression. Feeling a weight nestling itself inside of her heart, she sighed, working her way through the painful inhalations she was taking.

She suddenly felt pressure around her wrist and, blinking, she looked down. Barry had wrapped his fingers loosely around her wrist and was squeezing, applying gentle pressure. The pressure reminded her that she was here, in the present moment; it helped her stay afloat in the tumultuous waters. When she looked back up at him curiously, his eyes were staring straight in front of him, giving no indication that he was doing anything out of the ordinary. She bit her lip, before nodding her head slightly. They kept moving onward.

Author's note: Enjoy. Xxx


	4. Chapter 4

By the time evening fell, Caitlin was retreating; Killer Frost wanted to come out and play as darkness descended upon them. Caitlin tried to listen to what Barry said to her, she truly did. However, it was like there was cotton in her ears; she couldn't hear a single word he said. Sighing, she watched his lips moving, curving around the words he was saying. That's all she could focus on, nothing else. She blinked when he waved a hand in front of her face.

"Caitlin? Caitlin, can you hear me?" Barry's voice rang in her ears, and she came back to the present moment with a start.

"Hmm? Oh, yeah-yeah, I can hear you," she muttered, embarrassed. Barry looked at her for a long moment and she fiddled with her hands; she hoped he wasn't about to ask her what he had just said. Luckily for her, he didn't.

"Just, make sure Killer Frost gets you back in one piece, alright?" Barry asked, and she nodded.

"Make sure she comes back unscathed, too," she said lowly. Gone were the days where they were two women battling each other; they worked in sync now, and the way a crime fighting duo should. Barry nodded his head.

"Of course," he replied. She looked at him once more, before feeling the ice starting to spread through the tips of her fingers. She felt the coldness sweep underneath her skin and creep into every dark place inside her. It wasn't too long before Killer Frost was blinking.

"Flash," she said in that icy voice.

"Hey, Frost," he greeted her. The two never exchanged smiles but there was a common understanding between the two of them: stop the rogue metahumans.

"Who are we after tonight?" Killer Frost asked curiously and watched as Barry pulled his hood up.

"Guy who goes by the name Menace," he replied, and Killer Frost snorted.

"Original," she remarked, and Barry flashed her a smirk.

"Not as good as Killer Frost but, that's a story for a different day," he shrugged, and she rolled her eyes.

"Let's get this show on the road then, Flash," she trilled, and watched as Cisco made his way towards them, opening a breach.

"I'll be waiting for your signal, Barry," Cisco said, and Killer Frost knew the drill: whenever they had apprehended their meta, Barry always called to Cisco in the comms and he would breach them back to Star Labs.

After they had breached to the docks, they quickly located their meta; the rest was child's play. Killer Frost moved stealthily through the night, waiting until she was right on him before blasting him with ice. She smiled in grim satisfaction as he yelped and looked around.

"You're the one they call Menace?" Kill Frost asked casually. He stared at her.

"I said," Killer Frost's voice dipped dangerously low as she shot ice at his legs, "you're the one they call Menace?"

He stared at her petulantly, trying and failing to free his legs. Killer Frost hated how these metas always acted so childish around her; they were no fun to apprehend if they weren't going to at least respond to her. She raised her hands, ready to inflict more damage, but Barry ran towards her.

"Easy Frost," he said lowly, before looking at the meta.

"You need to stop this," he said, voice distorted.

"Ah, but I'm having so much fun," Menace replied, raising his hands. Killer Frost watched as a fire ignited between his palms and ducked down as he threw it, narrowly missing her head. She hissed and shot out another round of ice.

"I said, easy Frost," Barry reminded her.

"Do your job then, Flash," she said in a clipped tone. "Or, I'll do it for you."

Barry nodded, speeding around the other meta. He tried to throw out fire, but Barry was too fast for him, something Frost noted in amusement. By the time he was done running, not only was Menace's legs encased in ice, but his hands where secured in the power dampening cuffs Barry usually brought along with them whenever they went out into the field.

"See? Things can be done without actually hurting anybody," Barry grinned, and Killer Frost snorted again.

"If you say so," she muttered, folding her arms across her chest. She watched as Barry communicated through the comms to Cisco, and not too long after that a breach was opened. Just as Killer Frost get ready to dart through it, Barry held her back.

"Stay here a moment, we need to talk. I'll be right back," he said, and Killer Frost blinked. He was gone a moment later. She stared around, wondering what on earth just happened. Just as she was about to walk off herself, the breach opened again and out came Barry, without his Flash attire. Killer Frost raised an eyebrow at him.

"What do you have to talk to me about that you can't talk to my human about?" Frost asked, folding her arms across her chest. Barry sighed.

"Have you noticed anything off about Caitlin?" Barry asked lowly, and Killer Frost narrowed her eyes.

"Off how?" Killer Frost demanded. Barry sighed.

"She's not happy," he muttered.

"I've noticed she isn't quite as warm when I take over but that's all I can tell you," Killer Frost lied through her teeth. In truth, she had noticed something off about her human. She was thin; weak. Killer Frost constantly felt just how weak she was getting every night she took over. However, she wasn't about to tell Barry Allen that. It was her job to protect her human, not his. And, she didn't need him meddling in her business, not when she wasn't sure what his ulterior motive was.

"That's it? She's not as warm?" Barry asked quietly, and Frost shrugged.

"That's what I said, isn't it?" Killer Frost asked, and Barry stared at her for a long moment.

"I swear, if you're not telling me something and she gets hurts or does something…" Barry trailed off, and Killer Frost rolled her eyes.

"Worry about yourself, pumpkin," she replied coolly. "I've got a handle on my human. I'll make sure she's just fine."

Barry stood there, debating it seemed, before eventually nodding his head.

"Alright, let's get out of here," he said at last, and Frost smirked.

"Thought you'd never ask," she sighed, before waiting for the breach to be open expectantly. Once it was, she darted through it, not looking back once.


	5. Chapter 5

By the time Killer Frost reached the other side of the breach, she was Caitlin once more. Popping her neck, Caitlin turned to look at Barry.

"Everything go alright out there?" Caitlin asked, and he nodded.

"Apart from Killer Frost wanting to toy with our meta, you mean?" Barry teased. Normally, she could banter with him, but since her depression kicked into over drive, she simply shrugged a weary shoulder.

"Doesn't surprise me and, well, you know how she gets," she replied, shrugging herself into her sweater. She briefly wondered if Killer Frost had said anything about her depression. She looked at Barry.

"You two talk?" Caitlin asked curiously.

It was his turn to shrug. "Not much. Just strategized a bit before we apprehended the meta. I always debrief with you at the end of the mission."

Didn't sound like she had mentioned anything.

"She did say you were a bit cooler than normal," he added.

Too soon for a victory party, Caitlin. She nodded her head.

"Well, that makes sense given…. everything," she mumbled. He hummed but didn't comment, leaving Caitlin to wonder what he was really thinking. She didn't have the energy to ask; she just slid her purse onto her shoulder, preparing to leave for the night.

"Well, see you tomorrow," she muttered and turned on her heel, walking away from him. She had made it about three steps before he called out to her again.

"Care for a bite to eat?" Barry asked, and she stood, frozen on the spot. After some debating, she sighed.

"Not hungry," she murmured. She didn't want him to have to sit with her while she worked her way through a plate of food at a painstakingly slow pace for a second time that day.

"Tea, then? Jitters has great tea," he suggested, and she bit her lip. She had the feeling he wouldn't budge until she agreed to go with him. Not wishing to be out in public, but not completely wishing she was on her own, either, she decided to meet him in the middle.

"How about I go home, you go get the tea, and then meet me at my apartment?" Caitlin proposed. She still hadn't turned around. She jumped slightly when he placed his hand on her shoulder, having not heard him walk up behind her.

"I can do that," he said, and she relaxed. She could handle tea at her apartment with a friend, she could. Besides, she had already survived the hard part: she got out of bed and lived her day. Going home and chatting with someone for a little bit would be a walk in the park. At least, that's what she kept telling herself. She bit her lip again, thinking things through, before humming.

"Alright," she acquiesced. They split ways, with him telling her he'd see her soon. She got into her car, watching him walking off. She knew he'd walk to Jitters, give her time to get to her apartment. As she drove, she thought about the things he would most likely want to talk to her about. Her depression, hands down. Then, maybe her appetite, if she was lucky? Caitlin snorted at her own sarcasm; she really was just a peachy person to be around.

By the time she got home, her limbs were feeling heavy again, and it was all she could do to put one foot in front of the other and move onward. She dragged herself towards her apartment, feeling weighed down with guilt. Guilt for not being able to move on from this episode in her life and guilt for chastising herself too much. It was a never-ending cycle of guilt. Just dandy. When she finally made it to her apartment and let herself in, she went and got changed into a pair of yoga pants and her favorite sweatshirt. It was from Star Labs and was about three sizes too big for her because it had originally been Ronnie's. It wasn't more than twenty minutes later that showed Barry's arrival.

"I come bringing gifts," he smiled, bag outstretched in his fist. She opened it and peeked in, spotting a bagel.

"Cinnamon?" Caitlin asked, stomach waking up slightly.

"Your favorite," he agreed, and she hummed.

"Thanks," she murmured, letting him inside her apartment. After they were seated on her couch and had taken their first sips of tea, Barry looked at Caitlin.

"You look tired," he said, eyes flickering across her face.

"Gee, Barry Allen, you sure do have a way with words," she huffed, small smile tugging at her lips.

"Yeah, well," he matched her grin, however small. "You know what I mean."

She nodded once. "I do. And, I am."

"That's why I got you a decaffeinated tea," he supplied.

"I thought it tasted different," she replied, and he laughed.

"Yeah, well, what kind of hero would I be if I got a caffeinated beverage this late?" Barry asked.

"Using your powers for good," she mused.

"And don't you forget it," he teased. She didn't laugh, but just shook her head fondly, taking another sip. They fell silent then and Caitlin allowed the quiet to settle over her like a blanket, tucking her in safely. She had just started thinking longingly of her bed when Barry spoke up again.

"Hey, Caitlin?" Barry asked quietly.

"Hmm?"

"How do you manage your depression on your own?" Barry asked. "When I lost my mom, and then dad, I was in a pain too deep to even fathom carrying it alone."

"I'm not alone tonight," she reminded him, but he shook his head.

"Not the same thing. You always put on this front for other people. A shield. I noticed it when I first woke up from my coma and noticed it throughout different points of our friendship," he said lowly.

"You mean when Ronnie actually died, and Jay turned out to be Zoom?" Caitlin asked quietly, and he nodded, grimacing apologetically.

"I don't know why I choose to operate on my own. It just seems easier that way. No one to rely on but myself," she said. Barry thought about her words.

"Must get pretty lonely," he mused, and she shrugged.

"I'm no stranger to loneliness, Barry," she reminded him, and he frowned.

"That's the saddest thing I've heard in a while," he muttered, but she shrugged again.

"Not really," she said. "It gets easier after a while."

"Why do you do that? Why do you push people away? Especially the ones who care about you?" Barry asked quietly, and she said, wanting to be gentle yet honest.

"People, one way or another, always end up leaving. At least, that's what I've seen in my life. My dad died, Ronnie died, and so on," she murmured.

"And yet," he began, looking at her. "Your mom came back. She's proved she's not going anywhere. And what about Cisco? Or me? We haven't gone anywhere."

Caitlin thought about it, supposing he was right. Even after Killer Frost first surfaced, Cisco hadn't left. He was still trying to get her to come to the right side. She sighed.

"You're right," she murmured, looking down at her hands. "But that still doesn't change the fact that people usually end up leaving."

"Well, you're just going to have to get used to the fact that we're not going anywhere," Barry reiterated firmly. Caitlin nodded her head slightly. That sounded nice.

"Sounds good," she whispered, taking a sip of her tea. He stayed for a bit longer before leaving her with a hug and a "I'll see you tomorrow". She knew he was right: they'd see each other at work. She eventually made it to her bedroom, ready for bed. Or, as much sleep as she could get. It proved to be another night of uneasy sleep, something Caitlin even realized in her dreams.

Author's note: Barry + Caitlin friendship chapter. Hope you enjoy. Xxx


End file.
